Songs for Shlocktober

October is finally here! And that means scary movies, mischief nights and listening to the same three pop songs on repeat. I don’t know how it happened, but in the last 25 years there hasn’t been a new song added to the fearsome party trio that is “Time Warp,” “Ghostbusters,” and “Thriller.” Nick Cave couldn’t do it, Michael Jackson didn’t strike gold with “Ghosts” and I doubt Ryan Gosling’s awesomely scary band Dead Man’s Bones will have enough crossover appeal.

With that said, here are the four pop stars with enough balls and a big enough audience to write the next big Halloween jam.

1. Lady Gaga
No surprise here. She’s already shocking enough, and if you saw her performance at the VMAs you know she’s got a flair for the dramatic. All she has to do is write a song about ghosts, pop on another robotic woman outfit and the thing practically sells itself.

2. Miley Cyrus
I know my last post was about Miley, but she has the best chance of actually recording a Halloween song. She’s practically releasing novelty songs already. Pride and Prejudice has been zombified, so why not the Disney pop princess?

3. Morrissey
Okay, perhaps his audience isn’t big enough any longer, but it’s time to change that. The British love him, Hispanics love him, and so do mopey scene kids. If the Mozzer applied those golden pipes to a campy horror song, he would probably solve America’s economy.

4. The White Stripes
Jack White has done everything else, so why not turn to horror songs? (His mustache is already creepy enough.) Nothing would scream Halloween more than Jack White shredding on his guitar while zombies slowly lurched to garage-blues bombast.

If any of these songs come to pass, it will be the best gift the Great Pumpkin ever gave me.

—DJ Bears!